Proper Care and Feeding of your Writer Friend – Tips and Guidelines
Tips and Guidelines on ensuring your
Writer friend receives a regular dose of social activity, not to mention the
importance of food.
Social activity is important. It helps
stimulate brain activity. Unfortunately, the Writer seems to have a chemical
imbalance that enables her* to function on dangerously low levels of social
activity. In addition, Writers also suffer from an over-production of a strange
(and as yet un-identified) hormone that convinces the Writer that food is not
required. In the long term these imbalances can sometimes prove detrimental to
a Writer’s long-term health. Below are some activities which you could use to
help care for and feed your Writer friend.
Phone-Call
Writers possess a strange ability, also
known as the power to shut out the world. This is a debilitating trait that can
sometimes lead family and friends to wonder if the Writer has expired and her
remains are frozen before her keyboard gathering dust and stinking up the
place. When you do call, be prepared for the Writer to sound distracted- as if
she’s just put milk in her steam iron, or added orange juice to her coffee.
Give her time to get into the conversation
– be aware that once she has readjusted to the social nature of your call she
may talk your ear off, but seriously, it’s well worth the effort. Ensure you
insert at least five reminders to eat.
Coffee Date/Dinner/Drinks
More often than not, the Writer does not
know what’s best for her (I know, isn’t that a shocker?). Despite what a Writer
may think, it is crucial for her to be exposed to fresh air and sunshine from
time to time. Be aware that most Writers will shy away from such activities-
they are akin to vampires in their dislike of The Out**. However, knowing what
is best for the writer will give you an advantage in such a situation.
Go well prepared. Go in numbers if
necessary. A crowd is much more convincing for a Writer so this will give you
the upper hand in order to subdue her. Be prepared for there to be pyjama’s.
The Writer’s need to work precludes the necessity to change out of nightwear,
especially when gripped by the early morning urge to write down whatever
crucial story developments have occurred through the night. Be prepared to wait
while the Writer showers and changes, and be prepared to send her back to her
wardrobe to change out of her old tracksuit and even older trainers. Demand
that she prettify herself- believe me this will work wonders even if you find
yourself dealing with a grumpy writer- the resistance is inevitable but will
dissipate in due course, and more than likely the Writer will appreciate your
efforts. Do not be afraid to be bossy, and demanding. Taking no for an answer
in this situation will give you one hundred percent positive results. Also,
will the promise of food.
Warning: ring up the Writer’s significant
other just to check if you are not appearing on the Writer’s doorstep the day
before a super-important deadline. Skipping this step may result in turning the
semi-sane Writer into a babbling, hair-pulling, drooling mess, and you may have
to leave in a real hurry to avoid jailtime for inflicting stress induced
insanity.
Bring the Mountain to the Writer
On the rare occasion that the Writer is
unable to leave the house for extended periods ie the next day deadline
situation discussed above, I am happy to advise that there is an alternative
method you can use to give the Writer a breather. If the Writer cannot go to the mountain
coffee then the coffee shall cometh to the mountain Writer. Yes, my suggestion
is bringeth the coffee.
Takeout coffee and sticky pastries, or just
bring something chocolatey and rummage in the Writers pantry for coffee.
Chocolate to a writer is like a banana to a monkey, or a peanut to an elephant
(disclaimer- there are some of the Writer species to whom chocolate &
coffee do not appeal, scientists are currently studying specimens of this
variety to further understand this anomaly).
Movies/Theatre/Concerts
Knowing the Writer’s taste in entertainment
will help with this suggestion. Entice the writer to leave her writing/editing
cave with a movie somehow related to the novel she is currently
writing/editing. If your Writer prefers to work to music, investigate her
tastes and entice her out of the house with her favourite rock/pop band concert
or a classical performance she would enjoy.
Again, be prepared for a little resistance
but it has been discovered that anything with a link to the actual writing
process is a powerful tool to ensure the Writer remains in touch with society.
Also, ensure that some part of this activity includes the ingestion of food.
The Writer may, on occasion, request chocolate instead. Please resist the urge
to comply. Contrary to a Writers opinion chocolate is not food.
Bring-a-Meal
There are times, more for the single
writer, where food is completely extraneous to a Writers existence. PB&J is
not recommended for breakfast, lunch and dinner. One cannot survive on a diet
of PB&J and chocolate. With this in mind, one of the kindest things you can
do is to bring a meal to the Writer (either home cooked or takeout works just
as well). You will, of course, have The
Writer’s undying gratitude. She may even offer you her first born. (Warning-
acceptance of this boon is entirely at your own risk as you may well know how
that will end.)
Remember:
Writers are human- this may be hard to
believe but it is a scientifically proven fact***, do not doubt this.
Writers need to eat – use this as a
bargaining tool
Writers can be flexible- sometimes they
just need to be reminded
Writers have feelings- never leave a writer
alone because you assume she is too busy for you, more often than not you will
be wrong
Writers are strange- yes, writers are
strange creatures, but handle them with care and you will never have to fear
being killed off in your Writer friends next novel****
If you use any of the above suggestions in
the Care of you own Writer Friend, I would love to hear from you.
* Writers exist in both male and female
form. For ease of writing this article, the feminine form has been used. No
offense to the male of the species is intended.
** The Out- a term created by Editor
Annetta Ribken- All Hail the Cookie Queen!
*** We do not condone human or writer
experimentation. No writers were harmed – either physically or emotionally- in
the study.
****This is not a threat. Not really… ;)
Dead Radiance (Valkyrie #1)
by T.G. Ayer (Goodreads Author)
Bryn Halbrook had always seen the glow. But it is only when her best friend dies that she discovers the meaning of those beautiful golden auras — Death. Alone, lost in the foster system, she struggles to understand who she is and why she was cursed with the ability to see the soon-to-be-dead.
The new foster kid, Aidan, isn’t helping any. Mr. Perfect seems to fit in no matter what, making her feel even more pathetic. But when his affections turn to her, Bryn finds him hard to resist. Impossible actually. A mystery himself, Aidan disappears, leaving behind a broken heart and a mysterious book that suggests Bryn might not be entirely human.
Bryn stands at the threshold of a journey of discovery. Will destiny help her find herself, find her purpose and her place in a world in which she’d never belonged?
Dead Embers (Valkyrie #2)
by T.G. Ayer (Goodreads Author)Valkyrie-in-training Bryn Halbrook just can't catch a break. With her boyfriend stuck in Hel and the taunting laughter of Loki still ringing in her ears, she struggles to concentrate on her training and duties in Odin's realm. The last thing she expects or wants is more adventure—but then treachery, a shocking abduction and a chilling discovery send her forth on another perilous, globe-hopping mission.
As the ultimate battle, Ragnarok, draws closer, it's a race against time for Bryn, Fenrir and their team to discover who kidnapped her foster brother from the halls of Asgard and what's causing the mysterious deaths of so many of Odin's chosen warriors.
In the exciting sequel to DEAD RADIANCE, Bryn encounters dwarfs and dragons, new friends and old foes—but worst enemy of all may be the person she trusts most!
Dead Chaos (Valkyrie #3)
by T.G. Ayer (Goodreads Author)Valkyrie Bryn Halbrook is broken and damaged…
Struggling to accept the loss of her wings, Bryn’s not sure if she can be a real Valkyrie anymore. But when a mysterious prophecy claims she will be the reason the All-Father dies, she is determined to ensure the prediction will not come to pass.
A visit to the three fates who live beneath the great Tree of life, sends Bryn racing against time to find the missing Heimdall and his horn. As Odin’s life hangs in the balance and Ragnarok draws ever closer, Bryn has to find a way to save Heimdall and Odin before she can discover the truth about who she really is.
In the thrilling conclusion of the Valkyrie series Bryn must battle not only the formidable frost giants and the hated God Loki, but she must also find a balance between what she will lose and what she will gain.
Grand prize giveaway
Prizes (open internationally):
--Dead
Radiance, Dead Embers & Dead Chaos in print, swag and bling, and
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